so i ask this really super amazing local musician if i could use her song for that movie i want to make. shes not sure, and i feel bad cuz i asked her right out of the blue. it was like "hey im weird can i use your song?" it was mighty awkward....

so tonight i was supposed to meet a bunch of ppl and hang out at OU (Organic Underground) and what did they do? they changed the time to two hours earlier than when i showed up. i swear the peps at the cafe were freakin! they probably thought i was gonna rape someone or something, so i bought a latte just to not look creepy. i still did. *face palm*

so its remembrance day. and we went down to the gym for a twenty minuet thing. like really? twenty minuets? those people saved out bacon and all we can do is give them twenty minuets?!?! gawd, like these are sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, friends brothers, sisters. they had lives, they could have had children who will never get to know them. a lot were only in their twenty's, we will never get to know the greatly awesome people they may have become. and all we can do is give them twenty minuets? my school system is seriously messed up!


man every time i see that pic up there i feel sad. i mean think about it. think of all the people who still talk about him, think about him. how can he rest in peace? i mean he didn't even die in a good way. Naked on his bed from an overdose, is that really the way anyone wants to go? especially the naked part, i mean how awkward?!

anyway, thats all i got for now. but for now...whatever....

k so i have noticed that every time i look at that picture i get this kind of chill. its weird, like a wave of sadness and regret. i know i shouldn't feel sad because hes no longer in pain, but i would have loved to meet him. what ever i dont want to talk about it because when i do i get all sad and stuff.

but so i think i like this guy in the ninth grade. i think i have said this but we were hanging out at DQ and he was across the street and i was watching him, and he was so interesting. and there was this really long period of silence and it wasn't awkward. it was really kool. i mean he is really kool too. i love alot about him, like the fact that he really likes Bob Dylan too, and that his brother is really kool, well until he told their mom that i did my guy friend in the bathroom(WHICH I DIDN'T!!!) and that i did heroin. i don't, but you know he is such a kool kid, its really weird. i don't know.

but on an upper note my guy friend left school. ya so it was like one day he just said, oh well i dont want to be here. so he's not. and im kinda pissed about this! i mean he was gonna be really kool, and we were gonna bereally good friends, and everything! i miss him. i mean i really really really liked hime. like really! and now he's gone. my life sucks.

so i was looking through my gr nine year book, and i was thinking of all the friends that have left me or are going to leave me. its kinda long:
Ryan
Kate
Matt
Jaret
Johnny
Dan(OMG i miss dan!!!)
Krssy
Colten(maybe)
Meatloaf(maybe)
and for ome reason me and Jeaninne arn't as close anymore. im not to sure what happened there. but ya. and so now im feeling all lonely, and depressed and shit. BLAH!!

the only thing that can keep me from you is one word, Stop...

k so meatloaf has been buggin me to post, so here it is, so piss off now meatloaf! so today i went to that loyalist thing. it was loads of fun. so this guy, he was part of the 91X radio his name is Ty. i think thats how you spell it, but what ever if its not. he was really cute, but totally hilarious! i went back to his booth and asked if i could have three pins for a few friends he said "ya sure put your bag on the table" we got these bags from someone, i cant remember now, and so Ty took like three hand fulls of pins and dumped them into my bag, and i couldn't tell him to stop because i was laughing so hard. it was really funny!

so i scared the crap out of the guy i like today. he was walking down the hall and i "tasered" him, he was also listening to music so he didnt hear me callin him, or running down the hall after him. he turned around really fast and says, "OMG you
scared the living fuck outta me! your lucky i didn't elbow you in the teeth!!!" i laughed(slightly afraid...) and said that i would laugh, he raised his eye brow and said "ya after you wake up and have to eat through a straw...." i had no idea what to say to that so i just laughed a little. i felt like a dork.

today i was going to addition for a part in the sakespear play the school was doing, but the teacher doing the addition wasn't there to do it, so me Kate and Amanda wen to the library and then to a cafe. it was fun we each shared three peices of cake, it was soooooo good!!! omg it was amazing!!

to act or not to act, that is the question......

man i am freakin over school. i don't really know where i want to go or what i want to do. i mean i could do forensics, but i could also do acting. i have no idea.

i keep having this dream, im in college, and i wake up in my new dorm room, or apartment, or what ever. and the guy i like is there. and we go about our usual thing, and I'm in class, and im called to go into the hall. so i do, and some dude in a suit tells me that he died. he was walking to the store and was hit by a transport. and i have no idea what to make of it? i don't know if i wish he would die, or if im wanting to get closer to him because i know i only have a little bit of time left before he leaves. i really like him. but i don't think he likes me like that. i think im just a momentary muse to get his mind off everything else. or maybe im just thinking too much. i don't know. my friend Kate told me that if i start to feel way bad about this i should just stop. but hes so amazing. i mean hes smart, he's an amazing artist, hes so kind and sincere, and to top it all off hes so hot. i just really wish that he could see me in the same light i see him in. i feel really bad about thinking he doesn't care, but im really shy around him, and i feel so little and immature. hes so much more evolved than i am. but then again i am just a litttle girl who hasnt even had a sip of alcohol. but in my defense (of myself...?) i have dose weed a few times, and thats not that bad...right?

iight, so today was so totally suck ass! ok, well me and that guy i like made out....in the girls room...ya so this girl was creepily watching me, and i had just said that it was kool to come out, i was so wrong. so i waved, before he came out, i thought she would just see me waving then look away, she didn't, so i pointed in the other direction, too late. she saw me and him leaving together. and then had the nerve, and kinda of the stupidity, to ask, so she goes, "hey what were you doing in the bathroom Toast?" firstly i wanted so bad to be rude, and i was stupid and said "what are you talking about?" when i should have said "what do you think dumb ass, going to the washroom..." but i did say "weird-o" as i walked by, so i feel somewhat proud of myself. but i didn't see my prince today, so i felt kinda lonely. :(
but because of that Damn girl i got a good idea and wrote a good short story. i think its pretty good. i also have started to wright verses, not like to a song, but just little rhymes. i don't know if im gonna write that story on here. i might write an after story too. like the part i wrote is the beginning then theres this big ass story behind it. but i think that s all for now.
Oh i have lately fallin in love with Robert Pattinson's singing. hes got this tone in his voice, that is almost annoying, but i love it! it just has so much soul! but what ever. i also like The Wind Blows by the All American Rejects. the lead singer looks like the bff of the guy i like. he's really good looking too. anyway...ya i know thats all...

Certain people you just can't trust, you know Luke?
Never trust anyone who doesn't smoke pot or listen to Dylan.
Never trust anyone who doesn't like the beach.
Never, EVER, EVER trust anyone who says they don't like dogs!
You meet someone who doesn't like dogs you alert the authorities IMMEDIATELY
you sure as SHIT don't MARRY THEM!
(The Wackness, Dr.Squires)

ok so i don't really know if i was talkin bout this before, but i am now. mostly cuz it was epic!!! ok so i really like this guy, hes three years older, and i just found out that he is only staying at school for one semester, but hes gonna work, hopefully he will still be in town! anyway, so i hung out with him at lunch, and he was so hot. the koolness started when i noticed he had obber kool teeth. he had VAMPIRE TEETH!!! like how freakin kool is that shit?! and then he asked if i wanted him to BITE me, i said yes of course. omg i was orgasming! he put his hand on one side of my neck, then pulled me close, and he bit me, but it was sweet, and gentle at the same time, i mean it hurts now, but its good cuz i keep thinking of him. so after he bit me (and two other girls, but he only asked me...*smiles*) the two other girls asked him to take off his pants (joke from yesterday) and so they struggled while he sat there not helping (tee hee) and so they kinda gave up, and i suggested that we go out back. he agreed. so we went back, and the girls (my friend and a buds gf, i know rite!!!) so they obsessed about that, then we just kinda sat and talked.

the time of the lunch break soon expired (omg awesome diction rite!!!) and so we started to talk of skipping, if He was. so he came back(he was getting money from someone for something...?) anyway so he came back and said taht he was going to class. so i was like ok. but the other girls are like "Nooo let us rape you!!" and hes liek no i want to go to class. anyway so he and i convinced the girls to let him go to class by me putting on a cute-sy face. and asking him to escort me to class. *blushes*
so as we walked to class i said he was cool..for something i cant remember what it was. and he was like, "Nah your cool" and put his arm around my shoulder!!! and i just giggled. (slaps myself in the head, i just realized how gay that was!!!) and i was like ya well your cool cause you bite me! and he said that he would bite me EVERYDAY if i wanted. i didnt want to seem creepy and go "YES OMG YES!!!" so i cooly said i'll think about it. so later i wrote a note(when i came back from cloud nine!!) and i said i would very much enjoy him biteing me (weird i know, but i really like him, and it feels soooo kool!!!) and that i appogyse for my friend and that other chick for being weird. i gave him the letter and he walked away. i felt nervous and have ever since i gave it to him, and the thought of hanging out tiwht him again. now when he bite me he didnt break the skin, but it left a mark, it looks kinda kool!

me and my boring life...

so at in grade nine my mom was totally shocked by the fact that i could do anything well in school. the fact that i was doing really well in english, math , and drama was unheard of to her. my english teacher had to tell her to stop saying "oh my god really?!" it really hurt. but i never told her. i never tell her anything. you see if i did she would get mad at me so hence i don't talk to her. but she gets really mad that i don't talk to her, so when im mad i yell at her and she has no idea why. so your thinking, "you and your mom should go see someone. well we are. and i have to lie there too. if Mark asks me something my mom will jump in in the middle. she doesn't get that im trying to tell my side. she always makes it about her, and when i do tell her about my problems, she doesn't understand or lets me go for a second (no more or i may start talking about what a bad parent she is) then starts to relate my problem to a completely unrelated topic at her work, of which i really couldn't care less. i mean who makes there kid listen to random crap about work? like its so mean...but omg she is so dumb. and totally uncaring.

i am sixteen and i have only had one drink (like alcohol) in my life. and it was just a sip of my aunt wine. i have never been to a real party. my life is so boring, and so...secure even a priest would tell me to lighten up on the church crap. like i do go, and i don't mind that, its just i don't want to have to go to every meeting that the frigging youth group has. and my mom thinks that if i were to go to a party i would get really drunk had have sex and get pregnant. like piss off! i can take care of my self. you have been drilling the crap about sex offenders and stuff all my life, I KNOW! i just want to be a teenager. and its so not fair. that i have to be so...alone. all my friends are allowed to go out and stuff, but my mom is like, "no i cant shelter you from fun if you are out of the nest!" i swear, if i was a plat my mom would be like "oh no don't grow roots, it means your growing up!" well guess what, I AM and there is nothing you can do about it! so just leave me alone mom, i don't need you anymore, i have people in my life that are better equipped for your job, and i intend to use them.

hello my few random readers

hello i am back. sorry about being gone for so long but i really had nothing to write about. totally boring summer. i have very little to say. just that i no longer am going to talk about boys, yes i heard that cheer. shut up. T.T

omg so this summer i have fallen in total love with none other than, Nutella! i love that random crap!

oo i also have a Gecko now. she is so cute.

so ya i have nothing to say.
oh no! what if i cant write blogs anymore. maybe i justneed some drama. well i hope to make some soon. ill try to up date at least once a week. loves you ppl that really read this, unles your a jerk, then you can shove ur oppinion up yers!!!

MMVA's

ok so when i first saw Tylor Laughtner i almost like peed my pants, and screamed! he is so hot! i would love to meet him someday! he looks so kool and really nice, i hope hes not a deva.
ooo and Marianas Trench, so funny! another bunch o guys i would love to meet! they are so kick ass! anyway. ya so i must say that mmva's do a ship-shape job. plus the freakin Jonas Bro's! omg, they did a really good job this year. how will they top it next year?
speakin of JB, their show i really good, ive seen it, it is pretty clever. but if they did some thing unpredictable, like that one with that one chick, and Nick, awesome.
o, another ting girlicious, all i can say is eww. get some clothes on you grows sluts! like gawd! is it too much to ask to put some proper frikin pants and shirts on, i dont really want to see the effects of crabs and herpes thank you very much! *shiver*
ooo i just saw a commercial for a person to win a chance to...do something that has to do with the new Harry Potter. omg i have a feeling that its gonna get a little confusing for me, cuz they split it up into like three parts, and there is only two books...Hmmm
k so out of the like three ppl that read this have yall heard the new song from JB? Paranoid. i love the Vid, i like the song too. but on the new album there is a song with .... *swallowed back puke* Miley Cyrus. eww, i really have a large dislike for her. but whatever. no wait, im venting about this, like what a bitch! i hate her, u know that bull she came out with, about Nick J? it was all BUll S. Nick, really, nick is the sweetest guy, i mean look at his puppy dog eyes! how can they do any wrong? and all that shit with her in a shower with a wet white tee, creepy! i just have this he-uge...hate for her, if i ever meet her i might spit in her face, like right in her eye, or up her nose, just something shocking and uncomfortable. rrrrrrrrgggg.
ooo simple plan, good band.
omg some dude just picked up Tim Deegan...akward....i love him though, they are so mean to him. poor guy!:(
i really want Taylor to come on again, and take off his shirt. omg hot body boy! so i also saw Princess protection program, the one that comes out like six days from now...ya that right i saw it b4 it came out. beat that! not that any of you wanted to see it. i didnt even want to see it. but there is also a hot guy in that one. Nicholas Braun, he was Zeke.
OMG LADY GAGA! she is really kool! but she too shows too much Va-j-j! love her heels! well boots. omg she did TWO performances one after the other! me and my sis both agree that she toaly looks high, lol! i would laugh my ass of if she was. wow that slow down was really kool! omg Love the girls grabbing her boobies, and the Madonna inspired ...flair thing...
omg Taylor! he is so kute! oh look at me, i so love him! anyway, so he said something about us girlz that love him, but which ones, other than totally gay girlz, dont love him? anyway so he said that we are gonna get our hearts broken, then the VJ asked bout the movie, and he said to wait till November, ya ill say, i got my heart broken then! lolk anyway I'd better get going, seeing as though its late, and THE KARATE KID is on.

feelin sad lately...

so im not really this sad, i've bin down, but im, like, ok. oo so theres this show called a shot at love with Tela teqela, so i thought that they only did it with her, but they did one for a pair of bi twins. its quite intersting. and they are soooo pretty! anyway so i was listening to avril, when your gone, and i just felt like writing this. see theres this guy i like, i asked him to add me on facebook. but i guess i didnt make a good enough first empression on him cuz he hasnt. and its bim like almost a moonth..no more! uhg, nark! anyway, so he was really hot, and lately i have bin thinkin of a good story line for it. i know i know! i should finish the at fifteen one first, i know! but i get bord wit that, and im not makin the movie anymore. no body is really interested, and im so not prepared. i may do it someday, but not now. wutever. to the letter thing. so like i said not really feelin this way. i will leave you with a funny picture.


Hey
I miss you so much. I wish you could come back. I wish I had said sorry. I wish I could have said goodbye. I'm sorry. I want to be with you so much. I miss you beautiful smile, and your awesome big hugs. I miss the way you loved all your friends, but it was ho before bros. I thought it was funny. But your bros thought it was annoying. I miss your hellos in the morning too. Well every thing you said really. You left some of your clothes. They still smell like you. It reminds me of the things we did. I wish you were still here. Or at least I could call you. I'd give anything just to hear your voice again. Anything to feel your hug, anything to just hear your laugh, or say my name. I hope your happy in heaven now. I hope that you are ok with my decision. I hope to see you soon. I took some pills a few minutes ago. I can feel them starting to work. I will see you soon lover. I love you always.

my new lover!

OMFG i love one tree hill! Chad Michel Murray is so HOTT!! omg i love him. i saw the one where he like died for a few seconds, and unconcious for i think two days. it was so sad, his mom was so sad. i almost cryed at some parts! she was talking about how she had prepared him for losing her, but she wasnt ready for losing him...so sad :( aaawww but when he woke up was so sweet. but it was with nathen...akward! lol


im so Fing bord! im glad that my movie is startin!!! i need some change! im in this loop of boring ness. mlahhh!

i dont feel like putting quotes on. too bord/lazy.

well im makin this a short one. a really really short one. and im most likely gonna ramble on bout OTH (One Tree Hill) BTW im so glad that Dan...tell u bout it later, tuned around. its nice to see that people can change, awww poor halie!

At Fifteen

man its been a long time, sorry fokes! i've been...interupted, for lack of better words...anyway heres some more.


I explained my situation, and that I had less than an hour to get home. She told me that she would make an appointment with the supervisor tomorrow at four. That would give me an hour and a half to get there, and taking the buses, I would need it. I thanked the lady and called my mom telling her I would be few minuets late. She was mad I was going to be late, but glad I called.
When I got home Dillon had started a riot. He was crying so loud that most of the dogs in the neighborhood were barking like mad. He was so mad. I took him into my room, fed him, changed his diaper, and put him to sleep. I put him down and read to him. He liked Peter Rabbit the most. I don't know why. Maybe he was corrupted like his father, and liked to think about Peter getting his tail chopped off. I told my mom that I was going to see a lady about an apartment for me and Dillon tomorrow. She couldn't even look from the tv long enough to say, "Good job." those words had never come out of her mouth to me. She praised my sister with every little thing she did. I could never really understand why my mother treated her like taht, it was bad for her. But she was my mothers kid, I had my ow to worry about. i went to my room to study. usualy i just read over the notes i had taken that day, just so that i was sure to remember. I looked over at Dillon. I wondered how he would turn out? If he was going to be one of those really mature kids that you can't help but trust, or those ones you see on the criminal investigation shows that were the outcome of a rape, and turned into a rapper. I hoped he wouldn't. What was I going to tell him when he asked about his dad, and where or who he is. Am I to say “Oh I don't know, he raped me and left.” what will he think? I didn't want to think about that right now. I decided to distract my self with the pamflits that the lady at the relief center gave me. Reading through them made me see only helpless women and how helpless I felt right now. but I wasnt going to be like them, I wasnt going to be one of these women that you see that you know is going through a hard time. I put the pamflits down and turned off my light. I took one last look at dillion. He was going to get better. He deserved better.

omg! im gonna make that storie into a movie! kools. im in class. hahahaha. i hate this class. its so boring. and the boys laugh at the stupidist things. but then a gain they are boys. not many of them like me very much.
i want him to come up behind me
& wrap his arm s aroundmy waist,
to catch me off gard & wisper...
"'I Love You"

there wis not reallly much to talk about.
O! i went to my first high school dance! it was so much fun! there was this guy thou. he was really cute, but really really shy! i asked him to dance like three or four times. and i practicly gave him a frikin lap-dance! and he still sadi no. i ended up haveing to dance with my friend wesley! now if you know me and wes you know that we are best friends. but we could never date because we are really competitive. so we get mad/ irritated by each other.
Not even Make-up could make her beautiful...
because real beauty comes from loving yur self and
that was something she could never do

ya so other than that guy, it was fun. iall wes's friends were totaly hitting on me! and som of them were girls!!!!

this teacher is anoying he is going on about power point
eeeww i hate this!!!omg he thinks hes sooooooo funny. your not Mr McCallum!

At Fifteen

I walked into my first class the next morning. I sat down and opened my book to last nights homework. I had finished it, but needed help to make sure it was right. I had twenty minuets until class started. I turned to the girl next to me. Her name was Amanda.
“Hey.” I said with a smile. She was nice, but had been hesitant to talk to me ever since I got back.
“Hey.” she looked my way but in a sort of way that said “ I really don't care, so hurry up and say what you have to before anyone sees me talking to you.”
“So did you finish the homework last night?”
“Yeah.” she sighed.
“Umm...could you explain number seven, I'm not sure if I did it right.”
“Why are you asking me? Your the genius. You always get it right.” now that pissed me off. Why was she being so rude? What did I do? I have never done, or said anything to make her mad. Man what a bitch!
“Oh. Well sorry to bother you.” I was mad so I didn't notice, or care about me tone.
“What was that? More girly whore mones?” I turned around to see that the guy behind me, Dustin, had been listening.
“What do you know, the witless wonder can speak!” I picked up my stuff and walked toward the door. I met the teacher on the way out and gave her my homework. “I'm not feeling well.” was all I said as I walked off.
The next class was no better, they had all heard about my rebuttal to Dustin's comments. So after that the rest of the day was pretty much screwed. But at lunch I went to the councilors room. She said that I was too young for any programs, but she could call children's aid to help me. I said no thanks and told her that I could stay at my house until I had somewhere. I knew she wouldn't call home, so I left her with that lie. After school I went to the center. I asked if they had anything they could do to help. They just had the same answer. So I told them the same lie. I sat on a bus bench, wondering what I was going to do. If I let someone call CAS they would take Dillon away, and I would probity never see him again. Wait! What about shelters. For women and children. They would take me! They would have to. The bus came and I went into the terminal. I searched the yellow pages for the women house. I found it under help. Well, thats not ironic. I got onto the buss and waited for the stop. When I got there I realized that I only had an hour left until I had to be home. I quickly ran up to the house. There was a nice desk in a lobby. I walked up to the desk.
“How may I help you?” she asked in a kind voice.
“You don't know how long I have waited to hear those words.” I said with tears in my eyes.She smiled, she must get that a lot.

At Fifteen

What came next is still fuzzy. I mean I know what happened, just not detail. Like how I get home, or how I got to the hospital. Or what time it was, or who called my mom. All I remember was seeing some doctor and he was asking questions. My mom took me home a few days later. They did tests to make sure that I didn't have any std's. They told me to do a pregnancy test in a few weeks. When I went back to school all my friends were so mad. They couldn't believe they let me go off with him by my self. That they had thought nothing like that could ever happen to me. I was so smart, and smart girls don't end up like this. Smart girls don't get raped.
A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I was pregnant with a child of a man I didn't want to even know. Now what in hell was I supposed to do? How was I going to go to school? How was I going to pass high school. I did all my classes at home. I did all my assignments and even got a head on some classes. I finished at the top of my class. Three months into the second semester I delivered. It was a boy. I named him Dillon. After Bob Dillon. He was what got me through.
So that is where it leaves me. Sitting in front of a mirror, with a new thing added to my list. Finding an apartment. I went up to my bed room. Dillon was ,thankfully, asleep in his crib. I checked over him. He was fine. Fast asleep on his back. The lady at the hospital told me that it was important not to put a cover around his crib, it constricts air into the crib, and not to let him sleep on his "tummy" . I forget the reason for that, but I didn't want to let him because it dose something bad to him. I rubbed his tummy. He seemed to like that. But most boys do. I slipped into my pj's. I never thought that I would be happy to have my period. I think I will all way cherish it, and will remind me what it means. I love my Dill, but man dose he ever cry loud. As I lay awake I was thinking of who to talk to. The school councilor, or the lady at the pregnancy center. I had no idea. It was a Tuesday, so it was best to try the councilor.

At Fifteen

I had never been one to be quick to judge someone. But man, I now wish I was. Me and a bunch of friends were hanging out like we usually did. Nine o'clock was rolling around so I knew I had to head home. I said night to the rest of the guys, but this new guy that I didn't know said he'd walk me home. He looked nice, and he was nice to me thus far. We got on the bus and started home. He said he lived a few houses up from me, so we got off at bus stop a few from mine. I asked what number he lived at, he said he couldn't remember. He apparently just moved here from Toronto. So I followed him. We stopped in from of some hose.
“Well this is my stop.” he pointed over his shoulder with his thumb. “Why don't you come in?”
“I have to be home in twenty minuets, but maybe some other time.”
“No its fine. I live with another guy, he could drive you.” his smile seemed so sincere. I bought it.
“Ok, but only for a few minuets.”
He waled up to the door and stuck his key in the door.
“Hmm...must have grabbed the wrong key. Come to the back door, its always open, and theres an extra key if it is.” I followed into the pitched black back yard. “Its just over here.” he grabbed my hand and pulled me away from the house.
“Umm...where are we going?” I started to walk slower. He yanked my arm hard.
“Hurry up.” his voice was low now, and I knew that I had been tricked. He was much older than he was letting on, and this wasn't his house.
“Hey. Let go!” I was getting louder. His hand collided into the side of my face, causing me to fall. He picked me up a swung me over his shoulder. I started to scream.
“PUT ME DOWN! HELP! HELP!” he pulled me down behind a shed. There was so little light, and I couldn't see where the next house was. I was searching frantically for something to fight him off with. He dug his hands into my shoulders and leaned in close to my ear.
“I'm gona tear you up.” was all he said.

At Fifteen

so i like Taylor Swift. so i liked the song fifteen, omg i just thought of something!
OMG Taylor Lautner! hhhhhhot!!!!!

I stared into the mirror. I hoped that when I blinked that something would change. That I would be older, that I was younger, any change would do. Even not having Dillon. How was I supposed to raise a new born baby, go to school, get a job, study for school, work, get into college, and be in forensics? At fifteen. I heard some foot steps behind me. It was my mom. I looked up at her wondering what she could possible want.
“Your moving out.” she didn't even look at me. I could believe this was happening. “I told you that if you ever got into any trouble you were out. Don't think I'm gonna show mercy just cause you got kid, and he lived. No, your out. By the end of the month. No stories, no nothin'. Yer out.” she went back up stairs. She hadn't looked at me since I got back from the hospital a month ago. I felt my sister put a hand on my shoulder.
I turned to her and said, “Like you really care.” she took her hand off and followed my mom. I flashed back to that night, the night.

i dont really have a title for this. lets just go with...

k so u heard that new song by Jesse McCartney? oooo its rilly gooood! i loves it. it has this weird thing on certan words, and he sings in the right tone, then over it in a weird note. know what i mean?


so ya im doing the quote thing. i love the two nerds on Drake and Josh.
"yeah, girls are crazy. thats why me and craig dont have girl friends."
"i'm pretty sure there are MANY other reasons you dont have girlfriends."

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

k so i love that one. i heard it on the movie about the little girl that could spell. um...oh, Akeelah and the Bee. Good Movie. i like that coach dude. he a really good actor.

consider this a letter i never sent.
how ever inconsiderit it seemes
do you consider me?
consider me the girl you laughed with,
or learned to live with out?
I SUCK. i know im late.
i know you waited.

so we all know that Disney is good for little kids. but have you ever really thought about the messages they send those little kids?
like take the princess movies. what are they about? right...about a girl getting the guy. wanna know what so wrong now? ya that dosent always happen in real life. and another thing. they never show how the dude is feeling.
k so they did in sleeeping beautie, but what! like you dont just see a dude in the forest and know you;ll marry him. thats phycotic! its like walking up to a guy in that mall and you both just happen to be singing the same "self-prodused" song at the same moment. and what is with the songs? who dose that?! i dont. i dont think my friends do! well meatoaf has an exception (he's weird...).

"I just punched a WEARWOLF in the FACE!!!"

im not sure which twiligh book that is from...i wish i did, and hope it wasnt Jacob...omg he is so hot. even if he did have a really gross picture of him spitting. Ha HA nin...you were totaly thinking it! lol ( <- that was an inside joke. you have to be us to get it.)

As long as you want me, im here.

i think edward and bella both have self worth issues. like they both do that thing.
"im not good enough" but its not just like once and a while. ITS THE THEME OF THE BOOK!!!!! ok so he's a vampier. GET OVER IT ALREADY! you've had a hundred years to get used to it. why do you have to keep bring ing it up now?
But ya. its so bella's falt with the whole jacob thing. why is every one like, "piss off jacob! shes edwards!" she started it dont forget! the beach...member, the eyelashes thing!!

whatever. im done now.

lay it on my girl...

k so me and my friends all have drama. Nicky has her boyfriend or Alex. personaly i would just ditch the bitch and say fuck off! she had him and now hes Nicky!! althought i would never say that about Cody. eww. then theres nin and ryan. their not dateing(THANK GOD!!!!!) but hes like al wasy...distupting time she has with her boyfriend Matt. and...ummm, well theres another one, but i dont think i care all that much. Jarets happy wit his girl and all i hav to say bout ryanis fuck off you dum ass shit head! no one really cares!
anyway. so im incareers right now. the class with those guys that were being really ...mean. i really dont like them. nicky is pretending to cry cuz she says im mean, but i said im just honest! i am. if i think some one is annoying, ill tell them. y hang around them? if they are being a bitch, or a dick, ill tell em! they should know.

Random Ranting!

OMG i would love to be a Ninja! that would be so kool! and maybe ppl would STOP making fun of me. if i were the fourth Ninja, i would be...hmm i don't know...i would like to be Rocky's girlfriend thought!. hes so cute! and maybe Japanese! kool!

anyway. so ya. theres this guy that i meet at my old church's youth group. he was so cute! he was wearing a green shirt and wearing a blue hat. i do know his name. i just don't want to say it in case i jinx's it. hes really nice!

um...i dont really have much else to say...just hey Jordan! Love you boy i wont mention the name of...

i miss Jimmy. he was soo kool! im sad hes not on Degrassi anymore. :(
dude! i saw this Video, they make them. there like Digrassi minis. like what if situations. there was one, and Emma and Jay traded personalty's. omg i laughed my weenie off! it was so funny!

but this one i saw was really good. it was called what if Jimmy was never shot. so instead of jimmy getting shot Sean did. it starts with jimmy getting accepted to come really good school on a basketball scholarship. and Elle and Sean are talking. then they get invited to go "clubbing" with jimmy, spinner, and Craig. Sean flips out and is like "you want to go to a club? they not gonna let me in the door!"
and Elle is like "you don't that..."
Sean flips even further by saying " you think some , some fancy door man is gonna let me in in this?" he pushes back and revels...( dun dun duh!) that hes now in a wheelchair. he was so sad. so after that, hes like...
"im sorry. i didn't mean to be such a jerk, its just that every one seems to have everything going for them. and im stuck in this stupid chair."
aaawww. finaly Sean has a personality that not every one hates :D
i love Sean in this. i think hes such a whiny jerk in the normal Degrassi.


ooo but theirs this new character named Kacy. hes so cute! and hes mysterious! he did something really bad, and now hes in a kinda group home, and if he has any new violent outburst the judge will send him to juvy. ok dose anyone else see whats gonna happen? like hello! you just told us hes going to go to juvy! aaww poor Kacy!
:(


ooo another really funny one, well ones. are Marco and Page. they do random copys of shows on ctv. omg its so lyfaotd able! i've only seen LOST in degrassi, and 24 hours on the couch. both are so random and funny!


well now that my rndom ranting is over. i say goond night.

SNOW DAY!!!!!

so anyone who is anyone is not here. which is school, BORING. well not today. im in Mr. Burchat's room (aka a computer lab!). hes so kool. he lets us do what ever as long as we are quiet, hes helpin me with math. even though i dont hav it anymor....but wut ever.

The window fogs from my breath
My face pressed up close, up close against

so my sister didn't mess the movie up too bad, it still got the good part, well its my favorite part. its when they go to Bobby's house in Bosten, and the dumb brother calls the police, but first logans lookin in the frige and he's takin beer, and the family walks in. omg i laughed so hard!! the look on the dads face was priceless!

Catching the snowfall under a beam of streetlight
And praying for accumulation all through the night

so ya its funny cuz there are like four other guys here, one dosent talk very good english (well nether do i, well in the last sentence..) and the other three are slapping the monkey.... ya dont ask.

These confrontations puncture the skin
Reveal evidence that you are easily broken
You're so easily broken

the radio is on rilly loud. theirs like this new girl, wow wut a day for a first day! i would lone to come on a snow day! i think the song playing is by cold play. OMG i love that new video with them as pupets! its so funny.

Exposed and relentlessly bleeding from the cracks
At that age when everything is seemingly life or death

so ya, yall know tht i love pyro...i think...anyway. ya so im gonna do a story bout him and this new girl, like post X3. i hated X3. like what happined to pyro? he got hit on the head and, like, POOF! hes gone! that rilly ticked mesa offa. (YAYJAR JAR!!!)

Please let the snow swallow the streets whole
Keep the bus from coming

man all those new fangled music sounds the same. its like im leaving but wait for me. if a guy asked me to do that i'de b like "ya sure buddy! you want me to wait while ten other guys want me....ya sure!"

Let us stay at home
So we can avoid the daily drudgery
The cruelty fueled from laughter that will echo in our sleep

well i have nothing else to talk about. da ta ta, la da da.

Seasons, weakening the hold
The blades dulled from the frost that hints the snow
Warming engine slowly turns
Stuttering awoken from the sounds of shovels scraping concrete
At that age when everything is seemingly life or death

so i also love Degrassi! but its on when i go to youth group. last year/season it was on on mondays, so i could watch it, but now its on just when im at youth group. but i can watch it on much music, so im not to sad. my favorit charicter was jimmy. im so sad he left. he was soooo hot! i liked rick till i found out how much of a dick he was. Terri was the nicest kid ever, and he did that stuff to her! like wtf? he had problems. anyway. i also liked spinner, but in like .... a ...charicter way...if that makes sence.

Adrenaline fuels my
Fist grinds my teeth through sleep
well ya im done now..... and my friends diched me.

JUST FUCK OFF!!!!

ya know what? forget what i said about loving my sister. she is the devil in a bag of loser shityness!!!!!!! GOD I HATE HER!!!! i was recording the second X-Men movie so i could watch it later, and she stopped it to watch her dumb shit head tv show, that i have to watch too or else i get sent to my room because she is um happy, the little prick. i know that my "mother" and her are related, how you may ask? well they both love to make me miserable, and boy do they do a good job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PISSED RIGHT NOW!!!!! she (my"mother") makes me do things with the youth group, even thought i told her I DON'T WANT TO! and she makes me do thing i DON'T WANT TO DO! like the Emassias thingy, i would have rather gone trick or treating WITH MY FRIENDS THAN SPEND MY NIGHT WITH YOU!!!!! Halloween is like my favorite Holiday, and i had to spend it with my mother! i hate her, i hate them!!!!!! God just smite me down now, im begging you, just make it stop hurting....

CREEPPPEEEEYYYYY!!!!!!!

all boys are stupid! right now im sitting beside the DUMBEST boys in the history of ever! They think that women shouldn't have rights, OH MY GOD! i think they should be detained back to stupidvill and get their weenies cut off! GOD!!! they then had the nerve to talk the rest of the class about how women shouldn't have rights! I KNOW!!!!!! like what is in that small brain that makes you think that that is an ok thing to say?!? i seriously nearly pulled a Hancock!!!! UUUUHHHHGGGGGGG!!!! and i also found out that some of their creep friend are creeping my blog....ya i just called you jerks creeps!!! gawd they all suck. i walk home rite, and every day i can usually hold the break down till i get to my room, but sometimes i can only hold it till i get to the other side of the front door. i slam the door of my room , turn up some loud rock, and scream and rash(bitch while crying, yes it is my own word...i fink...) about how i think that they are so mean and i don't know what i did to hurt them so much that they have to be so mean. that usual goes on for an hour till my mom comes home and yells at me the rest of the night how im never gonna make it to gr 12, and how im a lazy bitch. so, HEY YOU SHIT HEADS! piss off, k? i get put down enough! i have no self esteem, i may look like im ok, but trust me, IM NOT!!!!!!!!

PS not all boys suck, just most at my school.

In Gym Class

so ya i realize im a total loser. a blog. i know. i think im just getting the full idea of how loserish i am. like im not famous, im not all that kool, and i have like no life. i dont even thing my friends are reading this. wow im kool.

anyway. so i dont have a story right now. well i do but its at home, and im at school...ya get the picture? im supposed to be doing this thing for gym class, im to like write down what i eat for like a week, then do an essay for it. BORING! plus my info is locked up in the teachers classroom. great.

i had a history essay due on friday, but i didnt have my USB stick that i saved it on (i left on the floor of my room, and was very luck that something didnt eat it. i swear that there is something else living in my room!)anyway.

so i haven't talked to my cousin Sean for a while. its kinda weird talkin to him though. and i do realize that he will read this at some point....anyway, its weird cuz i haven't seen him for like...eight years, then i see him at a funeral, and he acts like we are best friends. im still trying to figure out if he just hap pins to be high when i talk to him. but what ever. i like to talk to him. he gives....cousinly advice. ya thats what to call it.

anyway, i should start to pretend that i have been doing what i should have now.

Picture Perfict

his eyes could only watch her from his distance. he stroked her soft skin gently, so warm and tender. his face was set as stone, cold and hard. they never really liked each other. she was right into this photo shot, he wanted to be anywhere but. her mind only went to the polls where she was higher because of him. she moved her head slightly, the photographer had a feailday.
"that is the one, that is perfect! James, i do wish you could look a little more...here." he went back behind his computer screen. he wanted to knock every thing off its place, just get it away from where it should be, then watch them scramble to interpret his actions. but he didn't, his agent, like me knew anything had told him to behave. so inhaled, and he held Keira closer. He decided to just look at her shoulder, not really knowing where else to look. The last shot was taken and he sighed heavily and quickly pushed her away.
“excuse me?”
“what?” he turned to give her the complete 'I seriously don't care or like you, so I defiantly don't care if that hurt your feelings' look.
“did I do something wrong? Why would you think its alright to treat a lady like that” she did a wave of her hand that strangely brought thoughts of star wars.
“well if you were a real lady, I could.” he made sure that his voice was mean and she would get that he hated her more now. more because she took away the one thing he had with his wife, and she took it. how could he for give her? this was something he would never forget!

To My Sister

Two brothers. They sorta look like girls. Ever noticed that. They look so close to each other, I in love with one, my sister in love with the other, the one that gets the least attention. I love the other because he looks so relateable, but so uncommon. So open, but unapproachable, so nice, but so uncaring of your feelings. so...him. She likes hers because he is so shy, so lovable, so cute. And lonely. Like her, I guess. But the fact that she will admit that she likes a guy is big. I forget who is was, but there was...oh ya. This guy at my youth group. She and I both think hes kinda cute. Not saying any names thought. Im being respectful to her. She would kill me if I said. And it may seem that I hate my sister some times, but she is the only sister I have. So I need, and should tell her more often, that I love her. So this is for you lil' sis! I LOVE YOU!!!!! <3

Hate Me

Please, just stop loveing me
its not hurting you as much as me.
i have to think about how its not another
but how we just wont work together
its our opinnions
and how we are both in devision
nether can agree with the other
how will that get better by just being together?
i just cant do that
i feel at full as a worn mat.
i want to be full like a balloon
and feel to happy and swon
i know you want the perfict date
but me, this time, you need to hate.

He Died (Part three)

so ya im back soon...again!! i know, i dont really have a life...ya so im a loser sean, IM STILL YOUR COUSIN!!! anyway...ill continue

he raised his eyebrows. "why?" he used the tone he used to make fun of her, but it was only a half laugh, the other was serious.

"cause. i dont really want to go home. i hate it there. im always compared to other people. moms like, 'why cant you do this like your sister' and'why cant you do that like your sister' I HATE IT!"
he looked at her huffing and puffing. he knew her, like really knew her. and yet...didn't. he didnt know all her pet peeves , and her favorit music, and her favorite cereal. he guessed that this would be a good way to find out.

"um...whats the date?" he looked for a calender.

"Uhhh the 22. why?"

"cause, Teresa is supposed to come today. never mind, ya come back in an hour though. i'm having a meeting... its hard to explain..."
she raised her eyebrow questioningly (that was a really big word!!!!!)
"who is she?"
"my...maid? or is is politically correct to say cleaner...?"
her eyes got all big and shiny (ooooo shiny.....)(moo haha now im commenting on my own thingy....moohahah!!!)she held back fake tears. "what?"
"i thought that i was your cleaner..."
"well you are, just not one i pay..."
"then pay me!" she huffed and clenched her fists and pouted (aaawww,not!).
he leaned close to her, and grabbed her arm pulling her quickly into him. he caught her in his arms lightly and lifted her with ease. he took her carefully to the couch, where he laid her softly and straddled her lightly. (not sure if i said her age, so because its now going to heat up...she i...well hes 28...so she will be 19) he leaned in to her, watching her eyes for any sign that she didn't want him. she didn't give him any. he kissed her softly at fist, but grew more aggressive, kissing her passionately. she strung her arms around his neck, he around her waste. they stayed like that for a while, just kissing. he was the fist to go farther, he grabbed her top botten of her pants and pulled it open, not leaving her lips.
"its Heath, i have always loved him!" she thought to her self. "so why do i want him to stop?" she reached for his hand and intertwined their hands and pulled it back to where she was. he pulled back slightly, not enough to arch his back, but enough to see her whole face.
"that's not what you meant is it?"she looked totally serious, so she couldn't help burst out laughing.
"no"she laughed, "although i didn't mind the kissing." he got off her and they both sat on the couch smiling to them selves. she looked down and re-buttoned her pants. "so...does this mean i can stay over night?" they both laughed. she got up, stretched and started to walk to the door.
"hey!" he called standing also, "you know i have loved you for a long time now right?" he looked so helpless, like a lost child asking to just go home.
"yeah. i know." she smiled and blew a kiss, open the door and left. on the way down it never accrued to her that he was in his bedroom now taking a few to many pills tonight, and would never get to have her moment with him.

ok so i had to end it emo. also i love you Heath, may you rest in peace. even if i never got my moment with you....

OMG!!!

ok all i can say is YES IM DONE!!!!!! i know way long over due....but wut ever! i now am taking a break from stories, unless its a good one, and i have it all done to start with. so im doing a project on edger allan poe, and in memory of him...
to--

I heed not that my earthly lot

Hath little of Earth in it,

That years of love have been forgot

In the hatred of a minute:

I mourn not that the desolate

Are hapier, sweet, than I,

But that you sorrow for my fate

Who am a passer-by.

i like that one. but man was that guys life messed up! he was like on a freakin rollercoster of good and bad stuff happinin! like he was a really unlucky guy.
he died crazy. poor guy, and all alone. i would miss him. he sounded like an ok guy, altough he was a drinker sometimes. anyway, thats all i have to say. no wait i have my own emo poem....

alone we must keep
alone we must creep
to our beds we cry
watching as happy people past us by.
no one sees us
no one misses us
we feel empty in side
and have no real pride
in who we really are
even if they have deserted us so far
they try to come back
but only get us attacked
the emo
we are so alone
no one but those who want to stone
us and make us feel bad
so you assholes wonder why we are so sad!

ta da!!!!

not done yet, NIN HELP PLEASE!!!

k. so its been like way too long. i know. i really like the song Gives You Hell. OMG, i did this thing, it was to see how my brain works, and the dude said that i have like not mild, a little owrse than mild learning disabilaty in math. and that it would be good to get , hold onto your chair, NEW LAPTOP! im so happy! it will have Dragon tooth, its a program that typs for you when you talk into it and it will type, and it will have corswell...i think thats w=how its spelled...you scan in a book or something, and it will read it back to you. anyway, ya. im watching Americas next top model. i'de like to try that show, see what happens. that'd b fun.

Alex Evans, a touch topic, well i wish i could tuch him...

thats Alex. the pic is from his site, alexevans.net hes really cute! but he dosent know i exsist! i really want to change that tho, so im writing a blog about him, he has a blog too! alexevans.net

i hopt hes ok with me telling every one that, if not...im sorry Alex, its just that your so unbleavably cute!!!! *kisses pictuer of alex* *then sobbs* mmmmaaaahhhhh, i want him, but he lives in montral, its like a good number of horus away! well alex, if you google your self, i hope you see this, and i love you. along with all my friends that follow my blog, and posibly my cousin, not sure if he sees this...if you do sean....im NOT a loser!!!

He Died (Part two)

ok so i know im back way too soon for me...but im really geting into this...so here is the continuation, but its still not totaly finished yet. and now that im talking...omg EXAMS!!! i hate them. and my second one is on Heaths Death day! im gonna do so bad, ill b thinking, Heath i love you, and not of the 1200 french verbs!!!

"hello?"
"HEY! Oh my God! Im so sorry I didn't believe you before! You really know him, OMG!"
"ya Nin, whats up?"
"well you told me to call, and I did. And was not disappointed."
"um, ya I got to go now, but ill call you when I get home, kay?"
"uh-oh! Did you two get into a lovers spat?"
"shut up!"
"ha ha, ok ok, talk to ya later."
"kay bye" she hung up the phone. Heath was in the kitchen making something. He looked up at her awkwardly. he nodded at her, and she back. That was the real apology. He went back to what he was doing, and so did she. They had never kissed, only hugged. They had held hands, and snuggled. But no kisses. She wanted to kiss him thought.
"hey do you mind if I come back later?"
"why? Did you and your mom get into another fight?"
"ya, it was he-uge!" this was not the first time she asked to come back after her daily cleaning. She and her mom got into fights a lot.
"do you mind if i stay the night?"


OOOO cliff hanger!!!!!! this is dedicated to my one and only reader! love you!!! well plus Heath.

He Died (Part one)

so i know i have been gone for a long time, oh none-existing readers! Anyway... I wanted to write something for Heath Ledger, with it being so close to the one-year anniversary (4days, Jan 22) =( i loved him so much. anyway, i am now going to pretend that i knew him, and may have been going thought his mind. enjoy, oh never seeing people!

He looked up as the door bell rang. "ding,ding,ding""coming!" he yelled annoyed again. why they couldn't just leave him alone was beyond him. half the people he knew didn't come around anymore. his mood was deteriorating at a constant rate lately. he quickly glanced through the peep-hole. sighing he opened his door to a small girl. "hey boo! sup?" she came close and hugged him. she smelled faintly like a mixture of strawberry's and pomegranate. she was wearing some kind of scratchy wool sweater and a long skirt. her hair was down and as curly as ever with a thin band around her forehead. "so whater' you doin'? she was always wanting to know that."i was reading a new script. it was for some ..." he stopped realizing her focus had shifted from him, to the mess allover his apartment. she bent to pick up a dirty shirt. she held it close to her face and sniffed."OH MY GOD! do you know how to use a washing machine?!?" he chuckled as she set to work cleaning up. she didn't know why it was so important to her to clean and take care of him, but she knew that if she didn't no one would. she was actually afraid to leave him for more than three days. she knew he would say something some day and she wouldn't come back. he knew too. "guess what my friend thinks." she said feeling the awkward silence go on to long.
"what?" he looked at her with a sideways glance then looked back to his script.
"she thinks that i go to some random guys house and say its you. i took that picture to her, but she still said that i was faking it. maybe i should bring her here and-"
"NO!" he yelled, she nearly jumped through the roof.
"sorry. ill clean up first...whats up with you lately? like why are you so tense...?"
"its, just never mind."
"no i want to know, this has gone on long enough. What has crawled up your butt and died?!" she looked at him with the look she sometimes gave when she was really ticked off.
"i don't know, im sorry." he turned and sat on the couch. She stood staring at him.
"thats it? Just im sorry?" he looked over his shoulder, and she held back tears. She had always felt in love with him. She needed him to feel really sorry. Just then the phone rang. He lifted it out of its cradle into his long slender fingers.
"hello? Um yeah, no. are you sure you have the right person? no. um...ya...no. Ok bye." he let the phone drop on the table. "its for you." she walked slowly to the table and lifted the receiver to her ear.
"hello?"

I'm back!!

so ya ive been away a long time...not like anyone is reading this! anyway HEY!! so i have a problem. the guy i like is back with his twenty year old boy friend, AAAHHH! and i realt hate it cause i liked him sence like july, and im so pissed hes with this twenty year old. I hate that he likes her, that sounds so bitchy. but i really like him.