Public Secret

You are one of the eight ppl online right now. I'm listening to Hollywood undead. It makes me think of times at William st. I miss those days. Just before you and Chris started officially dating. It was fun.

Man. My feet are cold. But it feels good. In a refreshing kinda way. I dunno. Maybe I'm just stoned!

I miss relationships...like not just the sex part ether. Like I miss the public canoddling and shit. And the hand holding. I really miss that. Like late at night. He reaches over and gently holds your hand.

My "uncle" died in his sleep with his hand out. My aunt went to hold his hand and realized that he was gone. How fucking romantic is that! I fucking miss him. Shit! Now I'm getting all teary eyed! Fuck!

Well I'm pretty cold now. So ima send this, go inside, hang up my coat, sit down next to you; and you will maybe start reading this. But maybe not. You don't have to read it. I'm just kinda babbling. It's really not important, I just thought I would tell you :D

But here's what I'm not saying. I'm in love with you. I have been for sometime! You do these things that make me remember. Like now. You scuttled back to bed. I scooched closer, practically spooning. And then you pulled the covers over me. Or sometimes you'll get a joke no one understands. Or you will tell me something that reminded you of me.

You see me as your child. I get that I do. But I can't help my feelings. I won't ask if you feel the same way. I don't want to know.

I think when we move in together we should get a really big bed. Like ridiculous sized bed! And share it! Cuz I like sharing a bed with you!

I think that maybe someday I will figure out what I want from my life and the world. I hope I do when I'm with you. So that you can tell me your so happy. And that you love me too! :D

So...

Today you smiled at me. Well not me, I guess my general direction. You walked to me. Well not me, but near where I was standing. And you grabbed my hand. Well not my hand, but close to it. Then you whispered dirty things to me. Well not to me, but loud enough that I could hear. And you smiled again. You pulled her close and kissed her. Not caring that you were in the middle of my party.

Ryan

I just want to scream. Hit you. Hit her. Hit something. Hit someone. Kill you. Kill me. Kill anyone. Stop you. Stop me. Stop everyone. Stop everything. I know I'm too much. And I come off too strong. I really like you. Your beautiful. And talented. And good. I want to leave them for you. Just for you. No one else. Just to be two. But you don't anymore. And I don't know what's worse. The fact that I had sex with you and all I get is a nod, or that I thought I would get more?

Curtis

I feel uncomforable around you. I feel like I'm going to vomit, or shed all my skin at once.
I feel like I'm an alien under a microscope, a freak in a cage, with hundreds of people sticking there ugly faces up close and thinking how strange and scary I am. Thinking that because I'm diffrent I will completely obliterate their way of life.
I feel like an outsider in my own inside, like I'm turned inside out and upside down, all my thoughts and secrets for everyone to see. I hate that this feeling comes with you.
It's like a suit case stuffed with suvenires that no one wants. I hate you. But love you even more at the same time.

Today

Today I feel sad. Not the kind that can be cured ether. I feel cloudy and in a haze. I don't know what's right or wrong, or even if I'm here or not. This pharmacy smells good. My greasy hair is in my eyes, and my dirty clothes hang off my small body. My lungs hurt, from strain, and probably the liquid in my lungs. I think I should go to the hospital.
I'm really tired. I just wanna go to sleep. Then, never wake up. I think that may make me feel better.
I've been kicked out because I wanted to go to a party before. Where I just walked out. Why do I do that? I mean, my mom just wants to help me, then I pull shit where I disappear for a week, or a few days. And she and my sister are left there worried about me. It's kinda selfish. But so are they!