Public Secret

You are one of the eight ppl online right now. I'm listening to Hollywood undead. It makes me think of times at William st. I miss those days. Just before you and Chris started officially dating. It was fun.

Man. My feet are cold. But it feels good. In a refreshing kinda way. I dunno. Maybe I'm just stoned!

I miss relationships...like not just the sex part ether. Like I miss the public canoddling and shit. And the hand holding. I really miss that. Like late at night. He reaches over and gently holds your hand.

My "uncle" died in his sleep with his hand out. My aunt went to hold his hand and realized that he was gone. How fucking romantic is that! I fucking miss him. Shit! Now I'm getting all teary eyed! Fuck!

Well I'm pretty cold now. So ima send this, go inside, hang up my coat, sit down next to you; and you will maybe start reading this. But maybe not. You don't have to read it. I'm just kinda babbling. It's really not important, I just thought I would tell you :D

But here's what I'm not saying. I'm in love with you. I have been for sometime! You do these things that make me remember. Like now. You scuttled back to bed. I scooched closer, practically spooning. And then you pulled the covers over me. Or sometimes you'll get a joke no one understands. Or you will tell me something that reminded you of me.

You see me as your child. I get that I do. But I can't help my feelings. I won't ask if you feel the same way. I don't want to know.

I think when we move in together we should get a really big bed. Like ridiculous sized bed! And share it! Cuz I like sharing a bed with you!

I think that maybe someday I will figure out what I want from my life and the world. I hope I do when I'm with you. So that you can tell me your so happy. And that you love me too! :D

So...

Today you smiled at me. Well not me, I guess my general direction. You walked to me. Well not me, but near where I was standing. And you grabbed my hand. Well not my hand, but close to it. Then you whispered dirty things to me. Well not to me, but loud enough that I could hear. And you smiled again. You pulled her close and kissed her. Not caring that you were in the middle of my party.

Ryan

I just want to scream. Hit you. Hit her. Hit something. Hit someone. Kill you. Kill me. Kill anyone. Stop you. Stop me. Stop everyone. Stop everything. I know I'm too much. And I come off too strong. I really like you. Your beautiful. And talented. And good. I want to leave them for you. Just for you. No one else. Just to be two. But you don't anymore. And I don't know what's worse. The fact that I had sex with you and all I get is a nod, or that I thought I would get more?

Curtis

I feel uncomforable around you. I feel like I'm going to vomit, or shed all my skin at once.
I feel like I'm an alien under a microscope, a freak in a cage, with hundreds of people sticking there ugly faces up close and thinking how strange and scary I am. Thinking that because I'm diffrent I will completely obliterate their way of life.
I feel like an outsider in my own inside, like I'm turned inside out and upside down, all my thoughts and secrets for everyone to see. I hate that this feeling comes with you.
It's like a suit case stuffed with suvenires that no one wants. I hate you. But love you even more at the same time.

Today

Today I feel sad. Not the kind that can be cured ether. I feel cloudy and in a haze. I don't know what's right or wrong, or even if I'm here or not. This pharmacy smells good. My greasy hair is in my eyes, and my dirty clothes hang off my small body. My lungs hurt, from strain, and probably the liquid in my lungs. I think I should go to the hospital.
I'm really tired. I just wanna go to sleep. Then, never wake up. I think that may make me feel better.
I've been kicked out because I wanted to go to a party before. Where I just walked out. Why do I do that? I mean, my mom just wants to help me, then I pull shit where I disappear for a week, or a few days. And she and my sister are left there worried about me. It's kinda selfish. But so are they!

shes back..!!!!

holy crap! Toast has come alive again! ok so im posting again. i dont acctuly have an excuse to why i hvnt been posting, so im not gonna make one up. Xb

anywho, so me and my Guy, we got in this fight thing, kinda. then we made up and out, and then not so much. so i havnt talked to him in like a week or something, but i kinda dont really want to. i mean i think im like lagit over him. THANK GOD! its about freakin time!

so i know that i mostly started this to post stories and shit, and i havnt been doing that on here very offten. but i have been writeing, dont get me wrong! i have been posting it on ma facebook, but for the sake of privacy, and that crap im not gonna give a link for crepers to follow!! (haha creepers!) anywho ill propally try to post some of those on here. oh and plus they are short! i now right!

but, im gonna sound like a slut and stuff, but im smittin with another guy....FAIL on my part! i ner! but anoways, so hes realy nice. and i have known him since like gr4 and hes kool, and hip, and firends with alot of people that im friends with. and just plan awesome!!! like i guess hes the reason im over my "dream" boy. like this guy (for sake of not getting you confuses lets call him number two) is not as smart as guy one, and not artistic like guy one, and not "cool" or "hot" as guy one. but he is respectful, and considerit, and just plane a good guy. i mean i could gladly take him home to meet my mother, which guy one has done a lived...thank god, although he hasnt talked to me since...well i cant blame him for that i guess...
anywho, i really like this guy. and really tho, we did date. but like for sixteen hours, thats right i counted!

but on the other hand there is guy three, see i told u i sound like a slut! so this guy i have known like for only a year. but he and i have become really close, in fact we are both quit smitten with each other. but he lives like really far away. and nether of us can really drive. but hes weird...
hes told me that he likes me, and i have told him ont liek two occations that i like him, but it still seems weird. like how people act when they really dont liek a person, but they just hummor a person anyway. i get that vibe every so offten. its just pissen me off. so i dont really know what im gonna do. but ill figure something out...

loooong time

so hey. i guess i haven't really been all that faithful to my blog hu? sorry blog! and i guess you readers haven't been to happy reading the same crap over and over. but i will try to get on that.

so the dumb resource people at my school lied to me. i have a laptop from them to do school work, and it is so awesome. i have two really useful programs on there. one reads stuff to me, as well as other stuff but its so he-uge that i will probably never really know the full extent of the program, the other is so sweet. i have this kinda stupid head set that makes me look like a gay ganster telemarketer. its for Dragon, which is so kool cause i say stuff and it types! ok so now to the storie. so the stupid laptop got a virus or something...not my fault! and so the resource people said that the IT guy at our school would fix it. so three weeks go by, and it isn't fixed. so i go in there to day and ask about it and the teacher comes back with "well its really not his job to be doing this stuff. but when he is finish what ever hes doing now, we'll ask him to get on it" God i hate her.

but nothing else to really talk about, oh wait. whats this i have in my topic hat! oh, a boy asked me out on a date, and it went amazing ly awesome, and he has asked me on another one? oh yes my people, that's right, Toast is dateing! your probable not as excited as i am, but so what? hes cute and funny and he is alot like me! hes going to college for art soon, and he is kinda scene. he is sooo nice! but we haven't kissed. im only a little sad about that. but only a little. see, after that guy i was talking about, you know bathroom boy, well he really kinda messed me up. so im gonna go real slow in this.no jumping bases!